Reflecting
by IrishKitty
Summary: Remus muses over past events while he waits for Sirius. Some slash.


Title: Reflecting  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Remus reflects on past events whilst he waits for Sirius to come home. Slash.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters in this fic belong to J.K. Rowling and unfortunately I am not her.  
  
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As Remus Lupin sat curled up in his favourite armchair -the one that's shabbiness rivalled the state of all of his robes put together- with a book in his hand and mug of tea in the other; he allowed his mind to wander for a few minutes. It was becoming something of a natural occurrence on the nights that he waited up for Sirius to come home from whatever absurd mission he was on. Some nights he would read his books, other nights he would research into whatever lead Dumbledore had come up with and sometimes he would write letters to send to Harry in the morning. On the nights that he most felt upset and lonely -usually after the full moon- he would stick in an old Gene Kelly film because really -who could be depressed when watching Gene Kelly films? However tonight his mind was in the mood for wandering and Remus did not have the strength to stop it from doing so. His book wasn't all that interesting anyway, not surprising really considering it had been his dark-haired lover who had picked it out.  
  
As his mind turned to Sirius, he mused over the fact that there were certain things that had changed them both and that would continue to change them for the rest of their lives. Love, death and betrayal were only a few examples but perhaps the ones that would always have the biggest effect on a person's life. For Remus did not no anyone who could ignore the love that someone felt for them or that they felt for someone else, he could not imagine there was a single person in the world who did not grieve the death of someone they cared about and he knew firsthand that betrayal hurt like nothing else in the world but that it could sometimes be forgiven -with time.  
  
In a way, it was too true that time healed all wounds.  
  
He knew that he would always feel a stab of sorrow in his heart whenever Lily or James' names were mentioned but he also knew that there would now be someone to remind him of how wonderful the pair had been.  
  
He would always feel anger towards Peter but at the same time a small feeling of hurt would also register just as much -perhaps even more. Remus suspected that he would never be able to work out exactly why one of his best friends had betrayed the other three. At the same time, he would continue to wonder why he had been the only one to escape Peter's wrath. But then again, he hadn't had he? He had suffered like the others had at the hands of Peter Pettigrew but it had been indirect unlike the rest.  
  
For Peter's actions had caused Sirius to be taken away from the warmth of their home in exchange for twelve long, lonely years at Azkaban and by losing Sirius Remus had lost himself.  
  
For there was no Remus Lupin without Sirius Black, just as there was no Sirius Black without Remus Lupin. They had realized as such when they had been in their 6th year at Hogwarts and what had occurred one night in detention had changed them forever. Under the watchful eye of Professor Issacs, the pair had been made to clean out some old cupboards that had previously stored jar upon jar of potion ingredients, as well as the remnants of a few potions themselves they had noted with disgust.  
  
No great declarations of love had been exchanged, no tentative kiss had been shared and there hadn't even been the slightest brush of hand upon hand. Remus had simply bumped his head on the top of a cupboard and Sirius had cared more than he should have.  
  
It was the same now as it had been when they were younger. Sirius had turned up on Remus' doorstep -after trekking for days to make the journey from Hogwarts to London- completely exhausted, soaking from the pouring rain and not having eaten in days.  
  
And yet the first words that had come out of his mouth had simply been, "Are you okay?"  
  
No great declarations of love, no shared tentative kiss and certainly no shy brush of hands. Just an ordinary question that had brought more warmth into Remus' being than anything else since that fateful night in which so many had celebrated whilst he had mourned. It was then that Remus had realized that some things never changed and that there was something oddly comforting about that.  
  
A soft but not unwelcome murmur interrupted his thoughts, "Remus?"  
  
Blinking, the man in question turned his gaze from the mug of cold tea that it had settled on and glanced up at the person kneeling in front of him with a concerned expression written all over his face. A soft smile soon adorned Remus' own as he bobbed his head in reply and placed his mug on the small coffee table, "I'm fine, I just decided to try my hand at a spot of Divination"  
  
"You never were any good at that subject" Sirius retorted with a grin and Remus could tell from the look in his lover's eyes that he was allowing himself to think of days gone past. Of the better times that they had experienced in school before everything had gone wrong.  
  
And Remus found himself wondering *where* it had gone wrong, *how* it had gone wrong and how none of them had even detected the signs leading up to it. How could they ever have called themselves best friends when they had been so suspicious of one another and had never even noticed that it was Peter who was becoming more reserved? They had let this happen, *he* had let this happen by spending the last few weeks worrying over Sirius' absences whilst Peter plotted the deaths of Lily and James and oh, how could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so selfish?  
  
And he realized suddenly that he must have been saying the last bit out loud because he found himself enveloped in a familiar comforting hug, whilst soothing words were whispered into his ear and a hand gently clasped one of his own.  
  
A hoarse whisper soon reached his ears, this time in the form of an earnest reply, "Because you love me and because love changes people. It always has and it always will Moony. Not always for the better, I'll admit that sometimes it'll be for the worse but then sometimes people like me fall for people like you"  
  
Pulling back slightly so that Sirius could look into Remus' eyes and he gave him a small smile, "And something wonderful happens then. I can't explain it Moony but it happens and no matter what we might have gone through, no matter what we might *still* go through, I'll always feel safe in the knowledge that I love you"  
  
"And that I love you" Remus answered with a small smile of his own.  
  
And as they slowly closed the distance between them, Remus realized just how true Sirius' words and that maybe, just maybe, too much reflection wasn't good for a person.  
  
Sometimes you just had live in the now. 


End file.
